In her newly released memoir, former Vice President Kamala Harris expressed regret for choosing Tim Walz as her running mate instead of the one who could have enabled her to waltz to victory — Autopen. She opines in the aptly named biopic, 107 Days, that choosing a man known for championing the cause of tampons in middle school boy's bathrooms was, in retrospect, a mistake. Instead she wishes she had chosen the one who was the real power behind Biden's presidency, made all the big decisions, and even made him seem coherent at times and could have done the same for her as she faced the bad orange man. Autopen, though previously unknown to the public, was well known and liked by Kamala as they often shared a glass of wine together at 10am to help them get through the long, hard days. Insiders report that though she regrets the decision now, at the time she worried Autopen would collude with Teleprompter to oust her from the ticket in a coup after the primary.
But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason. (Title headline by @drconservativeprof.)
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
Democrats Demand Conservatives Stop Forgiving Them @dontslowtheearth
Man Using CPAP Demands Wife Address Him As Lord Vader Until Morning @kirgol
Confirmed: Sloth's Mom Took Tylenol While Pregnant @twoplus2ischicken
Teen Girl Sidelined Six Weeks With Torn Eye Ligament @webidtheefarewell
Large Power Plants Created So Man Can Make Silly AI Art @thebigfreeze
Israel Officially Recognizes Palestinian State Of Great Britain @coachjoeconway
Kamala Regrets Not Choosing Autopen As Running Mate @drconservativeprof
Comey Swears He Had His Fingers Crossed When Testifying @ruthiej714
Dismiss Any Bible Passage You Don't Like With This One Neat Phrase, "That Was Cultural" @yantelope
Liberals OWN Trump After He Claims Oxygen Is Good For You By Tying Plastic Bag Over Head @baberahamlincoln
Trump Vows To Kick The Weird Out Of Portland Once And For All @neohillbilly
Asked If He Covered Up Hillary Clinton's Misdeeds, James Comey Responds 'What? Like With A Blanket?' @slateslabrock
Gen'Zer Cranky Because He Didn't Get His Full 6 Hours Of Sleep At Work @ironsakura
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
UN Escalator Prank Fails On US President With Ability To Walk Up Stairs @bombtomfill
Autopen Registers As A Republican, Claims 'I Was Mislead For Years' @mbutcher1000
Risk Of Getting Hit By Falling Bodies Skyrockets After Trump Recommends Parachutes For Skydivers @dbar
Tylenol Plus Subscription Now Guarantees The Good Kind Of Autism @pretribrapper
Planned Parenthood Reminds Women It's Safe To Take Tylenol After Your Abortion @dontslowtheearth
Chris Tomlin Tells Joke, Repeats Punchline 27 Times @soupysez48
U.N. Embarrassed To Admit They Spent All U.S. Funding On A Recent Trip To Target @westland619
Hamas Opens Embassy In London @rockemsockemrobot
Welp, Guess Everybody Is Going Through The Tribulation Now Since Nobody Was Raptured @thebigfreeze
BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
Man With Cold Becomes Professional RFK Jr. Impersonator @unlockedmilk
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!
P.S. Now check out our latest video, featuring Kirk Cameron 👇
